Why I Am Who I Am? (Mum & I)

To my darling family they already know many of the reasons as to why I am, who I am, although they may not know everything. And my dearest friends too, may also know some of the reasons, but to my other fellow bloggers, who may wonder why I say some of the things I do, you may need to know more about where I've come from , so that you can understand me and get to know me better.

So here is "My Story" of my relationship with my Mum.

I grew up in a very loving, happy & safe (sometimes), family home, with Mum & Dad, 2 older sisters (A) & (B), and my younger brother(D). I had a perfect childhood most of the time, (except for when Mum took her frustration, disappointments, temper & anger with physical & emotional abuse, out on me & my eldest sister(A)). For some reason, and I still wonder as to why, (A) & I were always classed as being "Bad" & "Evil" , we never lived up to her expectations to be perfect & good as (B) & (D), I must admit at this early stage in my story that I was a very moody & nervous child. We weren't "BOYS" which she really wanted, so may be that's one of the reasons why????

I feel that I shouldn't tell my older sisters (A) story, or anyone elses, because that's only for them to tell. Although (A) & I don't have any resentment to (B) & (D), there isn't any sibling rivalry between any of us. Its taken me very many years & lots of counselling to be able to finally at my age really like myself (I can't say love myself yet, as I'm still working on that), and be happy with who I am.

I feel sorry for Dad, he never knew what Mum did back then, because he was always working to provide a home for us all, & he feels that he was and is not a good Dad , but let me say, we all think he was & still is the best Dad in the world, we love, adore, admire him deeply & are very proud of him.

We never had much money (although us kids never knew it back then), Mum & Dad would always take us on "Spirit Of Adventure" (as we call them) holidays every year in the "Family Caravan", that Dad built, we had so very many special, happy times & adventures, & that's a whole other story in itself!!

Mum did have her good times too. I always knew that Mum loved me very much, she would tell me often (when she was in a good mood & happy). Mum would often take us on lots of family picnics to the beach, river & lots of other exciting places.

Please don't get the wrong idea about my Mum, I did & do still love her with all my heart, but unfortunately she never taught me about the facts of life, cooking, or what its like or what to expect when I grew up to be a woman. I had to learn everything myself, & it was often the hard way.

At the age of 15, our home life was destroyed, when Mum had an affair with another man (R), who was married with 3 children (all sons). Dad knew for quite some time that she was having an affair, because he was still living at home. The life changing moment was when, one particular Saturday evening Dad & mum were going to have a very special talk & time with each other, & (R) rang up wanting to see Mum that night. Dad in desperation said; "If you go to see (R), I won't be here when you get back."

" MUM LEFT TO GO AND SEE (R)"!!!!!!!!.......And so Dad left.......

(B), (D) & I weren't home at the time, we were over at our friends house for a sleep over for the night, (by this stage (A) was married and moved out of home). When we got home on the Sunday, Mum told us that Dad had left, we were very upset & worried about him, & didn't know where he had gone.....

After a couple of days, he phoned to say he was staying at his brothers place & would be moving into his own little unit soon. Unfortunately I can't remember everything, but after what seemed to be a very short time, Mum introduced (B), (D) & I to (R).... He appeared to be a very nice man.......UNTIL....HE MOVED IN TO OUR HOME.....And overnight he changed completely!!!!!!....."THE DEVIL HAD ARRIVED"!!!!!.....

The constant fighting, violence & abuse at Mum & I was unbearable, I can't remember if or how bad it was for (B) & (D) at that time. Eventually (B) moved out to live with her boyfriend & his family. Mum would often say to me to be very careful around (R), because he told her that if she didn't give him enough sex, he WOULD rape me or some other poor young woman!!! I lived in constant fear of (R), always being very careful with what I wore, where I was & to make sure I was never alone in the house with him.....

Its bewildering that Mum would abuse me violently & emotionally, but whenever (R) did, Mum would protect me, & fight (R) physically, and abuse him extremely, her natural motherly instincts to protect, would take over I suppose?.......

I vividly remember one day, I was getting out of the shower, I was (17) at the time, & the bathroom window was open, and I saw that (R) was looking at me through the window!!!!!..... I need to explain that the window was small and very high up, you would have to be very tall (6ft) & still have to stand on you toes to be able to see in........ I screamed out to Mum at the top of my voice, she came running in to find out what was wrong, so I told her what (R) did. Then WW III broke out....... And (R's) reason for looking in the window was: "He heard the shower going and was wondering who was in there"!!!!!!!!!!.......... Very strange considering there was only Mum, (R) & I at home at the time, and he had just gone outside after talking with Mum??????...... What a Shit of an excuse. Mum & (R) were married by this stage........

Apart from what was happening at home, there was also many other things going on too. But one thing that always remained constant, fun, happy and safe was going out every Sunday with Dad & his lovely new wife (J). We had so many fun & happy times with them, always laughing, joking, going on holidays with them, even introducing poor (J) to our infamous "Spirit Of Adventure" holidays. I think some times (J) must have wondered what she had got herself in too?

There were many more other things going on in my life at that time too, but at the moment, this story is about Mum & I. I moved out of home to live with my future husband, in 1979, when I was 18, we didn't have much money, so we lived in a caravan park. Every now and then Mum & (D) would come and live with us for a few days, because Mum had decided to leave (R). But always Mum would go back to him...... Mum did ask me a few times how I would feel if her & Dad got back together? My reply was: "You can't do that, because Dad is with (J)".

Mum was a hopeless romantic, she had a picture in her mind of "The Perfect Man", she was always looking for something, somewhere, somehow. She always used to read & write mushy romantic novels.....I'm sure Mum had many regrets losing Dad.

At the beginning of 1980, Mum felt a lump ... the size of a grapefruit... inside her, she was diagnosed with Cancer on one of her kidneys. So the kidney & cancer were removed & 3 months later the doctor told her she was "CURED"!!!!!..... In the December of that same year, Mum went for more tests, because she was having a bit of trouble breathing....And 2 days before Christmas the doctor very rudely & bluntly told her: "The Cancer had returned & she didn't have very long to live, 6 weeks, 6 months he didn't know how long, only that she didn't have long too live and the cancer had spread right through her"......

We were all in shock and devastated with the news......

That Christmas, the only thing I remember is Mum giving (B) & I a beautiful clay figurine of an old fashioned lady.... To which we both still have to this day. Mine has a couple of chips in her bonnet from my many moves to different places to live. But I treasure this last Christmas gift from Mum with all my heart, it always takes pride of place in my home wherever I live.

In the February of 1981, my uncle's & aunties (Mum's brothers, sister & sister in-law), took Mum & (R), on a cruise to Fiji. Very brave of Mum, because she had a huge phobia with deep water. They did have a fantastic time though, but all Mum just really wanted to do, was be with us, her 4 children.

In the March Mum, (R), (B), (D) and I went for a short trip to Tassie (by plane), Mum was being very brave again because she also had a huge phobia of heights, (Mum had lots of phobias). We went to Tassie because Mum spent some of her childhood growing up there, & she wanted to show us all the places, that she had often told us about in her hilarious tales of her childhood. Some times while we were there Mum would get very tired, she never looked sick, or lost any weight from the cancer, but she did often have to have a lot of rest.

Mum's paternal side of the family were all over Tassie, because they were sent out on a convict ship from England in the 1820's. We had a fantastic time, (although I was often in a bad mood????) We also visited many of our ancestors graves, and the most special one was our Uncle's (Mum's brother) in the Hobart cemetery. He died at the young age of 19, from a ruptured appendix, he was in the Army at the time, and his sudden death had a very devastating effect on all of Mum's family. There is a special photo of Mum, (B), (D) and I, sitting on a beautiful seat at a cute country cafe near Hobart, and yes I was in a bad mood again!!!!

On Mum's last birthday my fiance & I gave Mum a beautiful necklace, with a heart on it and inside the heart is a pearl. Mum absolutely loved & treasured it, and after she died I was lucky enough to get it back, which I have now given to Kimberley (because I don't wear jewelery), she wears it all the time and loves and treasures it just as much as Mum did.

In April Mum got sicker & sicker, and because I was working close by, everyday I would go and see her in my lunchtime. Some days she was better than others, but she still did not look sick or had lost any weight. A lot of times I would stay with her for the rest of the day, my work and boss were so understanding and supportive, they new Mum & I wanted and needed to be with each other often as we could..... they knew she was dying very quickly..... and gave us all the time we wanted....

(R) was always very possessive over Mum, and jealous of the relationship she had with us, her own kids. He was especially jealous of the relationship between Mum & my brother who was only 15. (R) would always get very angry with us when we came to see Mum, he wanted us to only see her when she was having a good day, and even then he still wanted us to make an appointment to see her!!!!..... He never put any of these restrictions on his own 3 sons....... She was OUR Mum... And "SHE ALWAYS" wanted to see us.....So we never took any notice of what (R) said or asked...... I had many,many battles with (R)!!!!!!!!

At the end of May, Mum took a turn for the worse, so (B) came down to help look after her too. On the 3rd June, I was at work at the time, I got a call to say that Mum was going into hospital to have blood transfusions (at least that's what I was told at the time), to help her live a bit longer. I raced straight over to Mum's & the ambulance was already there!!.... To this day we still all wonder WHY, when they took Mum out to the ambulance they carried her out (very disgracefully & undignified with her nightie up around her waist), and WHY did they not take her out on a stretcher??????

Once Mum was settled in Hospital, that night we all went in to see her, and she seemed quite comfortable. The next day (Thursday) I had to have all my top teeth removed (that's another story), so my fiance and I didn't go into see Mum. Friday night we all went in to see Mum again, there were so many family member & friends there, and all quite upset. When I entered Mum's room she (to me) didn't look very sick, just a bit pale.

I very proudly said to her: "Mum see my new teeth"........

She replied: "I can't see anymore, I've gone blind"........

I said: "I Love you Mum", and she told me she loved me too............

This was my beautiful Mum, with the most gorgeous warm, loving, brown eyes, and Mum being Mum, was more concerned for all the heartache and pain she was giving us, she could hear other family members in the hallway outside her room, crying, and she felt so guilty. Mum was also asking when her oldest brother was coming, (he was in America on business) she must of known her death was near,because she desperately wanted to say goodbye to him. Mum was trying so hard to lift the somber mood, with her infectious laugh......but she couldn't see what we were all seeing, Mum could only hear us.

A few of us went to the chapel in the hospital to pray for her,

Our prayers were never answered.....

Mum's oldest brother, much to Mum's relief, arrived to visit her late on the Friday night.....

And Mum passed away at 10am on the Saturday morning, 6th June 1981, with (R) by her side.....

We were going to go in to see Mum that morning, when (D) got the call from the hospital to say that Mum had lost her very hard battle........

(D) & (B) were at Mum's place when the call came through, because (D) was still living at home, seeing he was only 15, and (B) was living there too, after coming down to look after Mum. My fiance and I were at our place when (B) & (D) came and told us that Mum had passed away...........

My beautiful, caring, loving, thoughtful, Mum at the tender age of 47, had gone......

Such intense grief flooded over me, I had never felt so much pain & heartache in my life.... I suddenly realised I would "NEVER" get to see, talk, hold or hear my mother again.......Or hear her very contagious wonderful laugh.........

It was a beautiful warm and sunny Winters day, I remember thinking, how can the weather be so lovely, and all those other people driving around in their cars, doing their early morning thing.......My world as I once new it had gone......

My first Love, my Mum was gone forever........

I was 19 when Mum died, still a child really, very nieve. I feel that I never got the chance to have an adult relationship with Mum, never really got to know her from a mother's prospective...... many times I have so wished she was here to talk too, listen to her, and try to understand and to know everything about her.......

We had a very difficult relationship at times, through faults on both sides.... But we also had the most amazing loving relationship too.

I remember Mum often saying to me "Don't have kids till you feel ready".

And so I didn't... And when I was finally ready, little did I know that I was going to go through an even harder experience of grief and loss, then what I felt when mum died.

At 19, I felt my Mum was gone forever..... As I've got older & wiser, I've realised she is partly still here with all of us...... I feel Mum is around me everywhere, when I look hard enough I can see parts of her in me.... Shane.... but most especially Kimberley, nearly everything about kimberley is just like Mum, her big warm brown eyes, her complexion, her talents in drawing & writing, her infectious laugh, her ability to be warm, caring & thoughtful to so many people, and her never ending cuddles.......

I am now 47, just like Mum was when she died, I feel her more than ever at this age.

Every day, and every year when I place yellow roses on Mum's & Nicholas' graves, I feel that she is up in heaven looking after my precious Nicholas....... until I meet them again......

" I LOVE YOU MUM...... AND THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU." xxxx