Under The Tree

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
I lost my precious son "Nicholas" 15 years ago yesterday, and the pain and grief gets harder every year. My grief has often been so overwhelming, many times I curl up in my bed at night and cry until their aren't anymore tears to shed....Only to wake up the next morning with more tears. I often feel that I would love to run away, but I can't because I still have 2 beautiful precious children to raise. The constant what if's.... What would he like be now..... Missing out on all those precious memorible milestones..... I will never know....
This time of year is always very difficult for me, and especially this week, I am so overwhelmed with grief, heartache and pain.
I long to be able to see him, touch him and give him at least one more kiss, but all I have of Nicholas are memories of those very moments in time with him, when I held in my arms, while he died.
Oh if only I could run away, just for a little while......

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
For a long time after Nicholas died, I could not look at other pregnant women without feeling intense rage, or even go near other babies, especially baby boy's.
But now when I see pregnant women, I just hope and pray that their baby will be alright, and that they never have to go through this pain.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
After Nicholas died, we went to a counselling group at the children's hospital, for other parents who had also lost their babies in similar circumstances to ours. We found this very difficult, because it was held a children's hospital, which intensified our grief and loss. The absolute fear we had when we went onto have our two other precious children was immense, luckily they survived and we weren't faced with losing them. For years I really struggled with the loss of Nicholas, and went totally of the rails with grief, which unfortunately after seven years, Nicholas's father and I separated. I am now a single mother looking after my two other precious children, and their father and us still spend alot of time together doing things together as a family. The four of us always spend the anniversary of Nicholas's passing together, as this is our special time to be a family, to be together as one. We all go and visit Nicholas' grave together, placing half a bunch of yellow roses there, and the other half of the bunch of roses we place on my mother's grave, we feel they are together up in heaven, and that Mum is taking care of Nicholas, until we can be together again. I have had many years of counselling which have really helped, although the very raw, gut-renching, pain never goes away, I just have to continue on taking the very best of care of my other two very precious, beautiful children.